Dear My Most Beloved Sweetness Sugar,
The forty days of Lent were far too long with out you (minus the amnesty granted to me while on vacation in New York) yet I am afraid the time apart may have weakened our relationship. We've been together for so long that it is so difficult for me to see us struggle. Growing up, I remember the horror stories of young children being forced to eat green things until their plates were cleared even if said green stuff turned cold. I think of the poor souls who had to eat a salad and weren't able to say "hold the lettuce" and then soak the remaining croutons and cheese in a sea of ranch. I think of all of the bowls of Fruity Pebbles and Rice Krispies drowning in tablespoons of sugar that I devoured with so much joy.
Because of your devotion to me, I never needed nutrients the way others did. I would hear them chatter about crashing from Fruit Loops for breakfasts and how the body needed all of these vitamins and minerals to survive. You proved to me that Funfetti cupcakes are really all you need and the occasional spoonful of icing is a perfectly acceptable form of breakfast. I spent nights indulging in warm chocolate chip cookies and entire sleeves of Oreos. Our relationship has always been blissful and you never treated me the way you did others.
There was that one unfortunate incident where I had ordered a bridesmaid dress a size too small and in my best effort to fit in the dress, I cheated on you and bowed before the gods of fruits and vegetables in hopes for rapid weight loss. For one whole day, I ate only raw fruits and vegetables. The next day, once my body had rejected the nonsense I had ingested and I had spent hours vomiting and fainting on the floor, you greeted me with open arms in the form of sweetened apple juice and a sugary cinnamon bagel. I vowed never to stray from you again.
Then, this year for Lent, I decided to give you up. A full forty days without my most trusted source of nutrition and livelihood. The temptation was tough and I saw you and your cupcake-brownie-Oreo-milkshake-cookie goodness everywhere I went it seemed. I wanted to stray, but I just kept envisioning myself at the gates of Heaven and St. Peter standing there with a plate overflowing of cookies and cake truffles.
After all of the suffering of living my life with out you, I could not wait to reunite in the most indulgent of ways with fresh, warm, salted, homemade chocolate chip cookies and Oreos, and a chocolate cupcake with dreamy fudge icing, and the most perfectly sized Ben & Jerry's Cooke Dough ice cream cup. I plated you. I snapped (for Instagram of course.) Then, I started to enjoy what I had waited so long for...
Except, I could barely make a dent in my perfectly plated plate. I pushed through, channeling my inner Bruce, and failed. I spent the remainder of the day ill, with a stomach in turmoil. I've been in misery ever since. I'm at a relationship loss.
I can't imagine my life without you but I am going to have to try to limit our time together. I know Holly will be thrilled and part of me thinks she jinxed our relationship renewal in hopes to banish you from my life forever. I'm sad to say that our nights of eating five to ten chocolate chip cookies and an entire sleeve of Oreos is behind us. No more. I simply, can't.
Maybe one day we will return to our former glory. Until then, I will be missing you dearly. Don't fret my one true love, I have not betrayed you for fruits and vegetables... just protein.
P.S. Before any dietician/nutritionalist/trainer/doctor sends themselves into a panic, I wrote this post in good humor. Kind of.