Overwhelmed. The only word I can truly think of to describe how I've been feeling of as lately. I started to dabble outside of the overwhelmedness (that's a fun word) towards the end of the summer and then school started and it all fell back in to the quicksand.
To preface this, I'm happy with my job. I love what I'm doing so much that I allow it to be all consuming in ways I've never experienced before. It's a great feeling. I love that the books I'm reading at night correlate with my work. The insane number of articles saved to my reading list, all related to what I do. It's exciting. I'm in the constant mode of make note to save and possibly implement a strategy. I've made so many notes for myself that I can't keep track.
As of lately, I've been a mess. For example, the lights in my kitchen have been out for almost three weeks now. I attempted to change myself and had a mini panic over the height and decided my living room lamp will suffice in the room for now. I have a super. It's a simple fix. My bedroom has dirty clothes on the floor that Henry has helped to spread about the room and display in mix-matched outfits. And I've somehow managed to accumulate a collection of shoes in all rooms of my apartment. (Black booties? Bathroom. Gray sneakers? Kitchen.)
In a moment of weakness, I returned to the lists. I worked so hard earlier this year to overcome this obsession with "the lists." The to do lists that I allowed to consume my life. I was pushing and trying my hardest to be resilient in the list temptation, and I caved. I've been missing deadlines. Regularly. And I have to be reminded about the deadlines I've missed which is the highest level of humiliation.
I've welcomed the lists back in to my life and they're all consuming. I use the lists to write out everything I have to do which is exciting yet when I include tasks like "Henry Park" and "watch Scandal" the items on the list become tasks and not so much things I enjoy.
I know part of it is adulthood. The errands. The responsibilities. But I feel like as of recently, I've become a series of tasks on the list and its simply overwhelming. I keep waiting for it to end, to cross everything off of the list, but as I eagerly cross items off, the list continues to grow simultaneously. I have a new job. In a new city. A new life. And while some things remained the same, so much has changed. I find myself craving routine, time to run, the simple pleasure of enjoying my meals, and reading a book.
I don't want my life to be a collection of "to do" tasks. I want to savor every moment and appreciate the many gifts. I'm making a conscious effort "to do" this without it being another task on the list. I'm attempting to be more diligent with my postings as the support through this blog has been overflowing, but please know that my absence may only be me not doing something on the list and savoring the moments of the day.