Sunday, April 10, 2016

Everything Well

Image source, I forget. But this beauty is the current background on my Gmail and I love it. 

In my head, I've been writing this post for weeks. It seems this is where most of my posts are stored away these days never truly coming to fruition. I've left myself very little time to write and everything has become a task on the "To Do List."  My Google Doc where I am constantly prioritizing action items and tasks and it's become routine to copy and paste "write a blog post" to the following week. So here we go... 

In full transparency, I'm tired. I've been a lot overwhelmed and a little depleated. There's so much that I want to give myself to but I find myself stretched too thinly and disappointed for not giving my best. I've been rushing and scheduling to produce, to be purposeful, to be thoughtful, that I feel inadequate at so many things. 

For the first time in my professional career, I'm loving my work. I care so deeply about making an impact and truly believe in meticulously planning every detail. (This is another posts in it's entirety that is still written, in my head.) I want to do well at work and support scholars to my utmost ability. I whole heartedly believe that we've only made it to where we are because someone forged the way for us and that it's my responsibility to support others in all that I do.  I'm running the New York City Marathon this year and while outwardly, I'm excited and just hope to finish, I again, want to do well. I don't want to run just to run but I want to properly train and prepare myself to do my best. I want to eat well. I want to be mindful of everything I'm putting in my body but I find myself devouring cookies and peanut butter cups and then blaming myself for how I feel after. I want to be good a support system to my former students. I want to continue to support them and not become so consumed in my new experiences, that I forget to ask how their classes are going or how well they are managing through this first year of college transition. I want to be a good friend. To remember birthdays, anniversaries, job interviews, to ask about families, and occasionally send snail mail instead of a five second snap. I want to be a good Dog Mom to Henry and not feel like we are simply coexisting in between trips outside to use the restroom. I want to savor every moment with him. I want to have a relationship and be mindful of other's feelings and not be so intertwined with EOD deadlines and workout class schedules and emails and eating well that I don't make time for others. I want to read. The "Reading List" on my Safari is obnoxious. I have articles from October that I've yet to get to. I want to watch The Real Housewives of wherever and not feel guilty for neglecting so many other things. I want to do everything and I want to do it well. 

It's fundamental to my understanding of myself to be this way. In reality, I can't do it all. As much as I want to. Oh! How it pains me to want it all. I have to find balance for myself and I'm not too certain of how to create this desperately craved balance in my life, but I'm trying. It's complex. I'm content in effort and exhaustion and it's all so wonderful yet I still push myself to find joy in and purpose in all that I do. It's a journey and while difficult at times, a happy one. 

While I have the best intentions, I'm sure I won't write for another month (or two.) Here's all of the things that despite the exhaustion have brought me joy these past few weeks. 

1. I won tickets to see Hamilton through the Broadway Direct Lottery. Even though I was convinced that the lottery was fake and no one actually won through #Ham4Ham, I was persistent with my efforts and entered every single day and every single day I would get the email "Try Again." But one blissful Thursday afternoon, the email subject said "You Won" and I happily abandoned all priority items on the to do list to spend the night on the front row at Hamilton. 

2. Paloma received a full scholarship (for all four years) to Elon. I knew how deeply she wanted this opportunity and so with reservations, I agreed to let her take the year off and pursue this scholarship. I felt weighted with responsibility that she had to do well. The application, my recommendation letter, the interview, it all had to be perfectly. We obsessively prepared and practiced and to receive that call, the one filled with tears of joy and happiness, and complete rambles of excitement. 

3. I've decided to cut my hair. It's a change I've pondered for a long time as I feel deeply attached to my long hair and the fantasized connection it gives me to the Duchess of Cambridge, but I'm openly committing to chopping it off. 

4. I watched all of Fuller House on Netflix and as unbelievably cheesy and predictable (whatever happened to predictability?) I loved it. 

5. Aiden Donnelley Rowley, my favorite author and UWS neighbor, published a new book, The Ramblers. Her writing constantly pushes my thinking (especially on the balance) and I loved getting lost in her most recent novel. 

6. I've had this desire to start painting. I never enjoyed Art and often became flustered in my attempts to be creative but I'm hopeful that I may be able to tackle the world of abstract, a teensy bit. 

7. At school, I planned a fantastically decorated Midnight Breakfast (took place from 5:00 - 6:30 PM) which I loved being a part of and being in that space that allowed our scholars to be authentically themselves without reservations. This included a class-wide sing along to multiple Beyonce songs. I performed a lip sync dance with my Advisory and learned a routine to both Adele's Hello and Beiber's Sorry. We've interacted with FeelGood's Columbia chapter multiple times which has allowed me the opportunity to share a brie, apple, and cheddar grilled cheese with scholars for their very first taste and engage in thoughtful conversation around the Sustainable Development Goals. I hosted my second college admissions panel and this time, enlisted the help of scholars to make it even more meaningful. My homeroom, Boston College, won the cleanliness award. And, this past Saturday, all 70 of my precious juniors took the ACT for the very first time. 

Yes, I want it all and the days of effort and exhaustion are worth it for every ounce of these moments of joy. I will find balance but I'll also but unapologetic for my tiredness as I figure this balance out as I truly have and overwhelming amount to be thankful for. 



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